Tuesday, July 7, 2015

Special Effects: From a Letter to Two Childhood Friends

P, I'm so sorry to hear about your fall. Were you alone when it happened? How did you get help?

They always joke about aging not being for sissies but boy are they ever right. Today I was thinking that I should look around the internet because surely someone has written a funny song about all the thrills (and spills) of getting old. 

There would have to be a stanza about what happens when you laugh too hard (cross those legs, ladies, it's leaky time!), and one about the joys of a high fiber diet (eat fiber because the colonoscopy doctor told you to do it, add up the insufficient fiber grams, sigh and eat more fiber, sit around feeling bloated while processing the fiber, run to the bathroom, quick! quick! quick! before it's too late, then repeat the whole cycle). 

Today I am sporting several bandages, having been half nibbled to death by the dermatologist. Oh, good, just another ten days in hot weather when I can't get those bandages wet while I wait to hear if I have some terrible skin disease, tra-la!

C, I never get into the shower without thinking about your terrible shower fall. I will be thinking about you again in ten days, when I'm finally allowed to shower again. 

Guess what? I just got a tricycle! There really is some message about the circle of life there. A couple of years ago Bill bought me a very pretty two-wheeled cruiser bike for Christmas, but I fall off of it. The last time it threw me, I was just standing still while holding it and chatting with a neighbor. It flung me right into the roadside gravel. Getting up is no picnic, as you may or may not know, and I didn't even have to do the usual quick look around to see if anyone noticed my embarrassing fall. Nope, the neighbor was still right there, looking appalled and probably wondering, how on earth did she do that?

So now I have a nice stable tricycle. Bit of a wide load (ha ha) with those two back wheels, and the seat is built just like one on a tractor. Nice, fat, broad, comfy seat. I was interested to find that it just exactly fit me! It's not easy to steer a trike, I've found, so although I don't have to worry about falling over I still have a way to go before I can steer a steady course. But how nice to be able to get out and get some exercise without damaging myself too severely. 

Which makes me think of my adventures at the gym. Last time there I was diligently wiping down the control panel of the treadmill I'd just used. Unfortunately I also wiped the "on" button, so as I turned to step off I got a little power boost, sending me off the back end a little faster than I usually move. Lucky for me, my fellow jocks were busy huffing and puffing so they didn't notice my unintended burst of speed. 

So, have I covered our aging issues? Diet, exercise, medical tests, doctor's orders... Wait, there's one more. 

Today I picked up a prescription written for me by that nibbling skin doctor. After reading the possible side effects, I see that I'm apparently looking at symptoms that may or may not include more bloating, gas, and nausea (just like the special effects of the high fiber diet), possible loss of sense of smell and taste (lasting for up to a year), and accidental weight loss (can't wait for that one). 

On the other hand, if I decide to forgo the medication because of the dire warnings about potential liver damage, I face a future in which whatever is going on with my toenail (sorry I didn't attach a photo, lol) will spread to my artificial knees and will actually implode me, saving my family all the trouble of spreading my [future] ashes. 

I send you both much love; that's another good thing about being older--you just go ahead and tell people that you love them.


Sylvia K said...

I do hope you're doing okay, Clariz!! All of this sounds pretty scary in spite of your incredible attitude!! Holding good thoughts for you!!

clairz said...

Sylvia, I'm sorry that I worried you. No problems, just the usual things we all experience as the years roll along.

Sallie (FullTime-Life) said...

You make me laugh -- If it ain't one thing it's another these days, that is for sure.

I have an appointment with my Oregon dermatologist to look forward to next month. He will be appalled at my tan lines but hopefully will be able to pick himself up off the floor in order to deal with the stuff that needs dealt with. (I probably should find one in Florida, at least down there even a dermatologist wouldn't die of shock when someone comes in with a suntan.)

I actually fell off my friends tricycle -- they really are pretty hard to steer. Most of the women in our Florida park own one though... we sold our two-wheelers because there isn't anyplace to ride them safely except within the RV resort, and I figure I get more bang for my exercise buck by walking around the park. Plus it's easier to take pictures.

Jean (aka Auntie Bucksnort) said...

Creak... groan... age!

clairz said...

Sallie, I'm glad that someone else find those trikes hard to steer, but not so thrilled to hear that they are fall-off-able!

Jean, Mother's stories of constant doctor's appointments start to make more sense now.

Nan said...

You should send this off to a magazine - I'm sure it would be published. Witty, funny, wise. Good job!